Standing on the Precipice

10 Jan

precipiceI stood on the precipice today.  In a 2 hour span I received back-to-back text messages and calls that showed me that I am not in control. Being forced to submit to the fact that I am not in control of anything pushes EVERY button I have. I get mad, angry, afraid, childlike, irrational…then I start grabbing at anything I can control and control it to DEATH! I eventually graduate to trusting God, submitting to the process, and believing in myself. I’m still working on skipping the 1st part and going straight to the second part…

Being out of control feels like chaos to me. I don’t like chaos … somehow this does not apply to the clothes all over my bedroom, but I digress.  I have spent 99% of my working life focusing on turning chaos into order. I do it well. Today though, I couldn’t find anything to take me to the safe waters of order. My only hope for order was silence. I needed complete and utter silence so that I could think this all through. When I got silent, I got  mad at God. I mean REALLY mad. I ranted and raged. God was silent. I ranted and raged some more. God remained silent. Then I just got REALLY pissed off.

I needed to feel in control of something. I sat down and couldn’t make sense of anything. Then I decided I would have my cell phone turned off. I soon realized that having no cell phone would impact many other things in my life, including my life with BNFIT. I sent Byron, my trainer,  a crisp, clear, unemotional text message announcing that due to a decision I have made, this will be my FINAL week as his client. I clicked SEND and the rush of CONTROL went COURSING through my body. He quickly replied, “No M’am!” I was baffled by his response. I did not ask a yes/no question. I made a declarative statement. I’m not sure what I expected his response to be, but it was not that. His rejection of my resignation had more weight than my resignation. Control was slipping away again and I didn’t like that one bit.

I was teetering on the edge of the precipice. God was silent. My trainer was defiant. I was overwhelmed. Tears started flowing and I just let them flow. It was at that moment that I realized I had a decision to make. I was either going to succumb to the voices telling me to give up or I was going to submit to the voice telling me to trust God. I decided to trust God. Standing at the precipice was scary and powerful. I felt weak and strong. I felt like I could do nothing and everything. Standing at the precipice made me feel alone and aware of the love and support that surround and support me. It was another adventure in my long winding road to submission. Let me make this clear, nothing magical happened in this moment re. the matters I need to address. Everything is not suddenly roses and sunshine. I have work to do…including strengthening my trust muscles.

Later in the day I got to experience what happens when I do my part and let God do the heavy lifting (thanks for that, Steve). My mother’s doctor took her off of 3 of her medications. When I moved in with my mom she was taking 10 medications. She is at her ideal weight. her blood pressure is normal. Her cholesterol levels are in the good. She is now off of all 10 meds. My mother is 83 years old, has Alzheimer’s and is healthier than most people in their 50s. Mom did her part. All of us who are participating in her care did our part. God did his part. My mother is only on 2 medications for Alzheimer’s symptoms at age 83. That’s pretty incredible.

When life takes me to the precipice, I decide whether I fall, leap, run away, or freeze. I decide whether I will trust God, submit to the process, believe in myself or let fear, anger, doubt, and worry stop me instead of motivate me. Today, I experienced all of this. It has been a rough day. It has also been an incredible day.

cliff_jump

“When I am afraid, I will trust you.” Psalm 56:3

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